The All-New Muppet Show/Episode 103 transcript
Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room/''The All New Muppet Show'' theme song Scooter: On Door 5 Times "(Guest Star 's Name), oh, (Guest Star's Name), 47 2nds 'til curtain, Miss (Guest Star's Last Name )." Guest Star: "Oh thank you, Scooter, it's gonna be such a wonderful evening performing with you, Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo and everybody on the show tonight." Scooter: "Oh that's good, well, good luck tonight." Cut to Kermit appearing through The All-New Muppet Show logo..... Kermit: "It's The All-New Muppet Show, with our very special guest star and daughter of the late Robin Williams, Miss Zelda Williams, yaaaaaay!" All-New Muppet Show Theme Song In Background Rowlf: 1 Single Note On Piano In Background Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights, it's time to meet the Muppets on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Male Muppet friends: it's time to put on make-up, it's time to dress up right, it's time to raise the curtain on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Waldorf: why do we always come here? Statler: I guess we'll never know Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture Statler and Waldorf: to have to watch the show Continues In Background Kermit: and now let's get things started Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started Kermit and Muppet friends: it's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational, this is what we call The All-New Muppet Show. Whistle Sounds Scene 1: Onstage/the introduction Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The All-New Muppet Show, it's a very exciting evening 'cause tonight's very special guest star is the daughter of the late Robin Williams, Miss (Guest Star's Name ), and she's 1 of the most talented young movie actresses of all times, but 1st, we're gonna do an opening musical number." Fozzie: "Hey, Kermit, just for you to know, there's a beehive right outside the theater." Kermit: "Oh thanks for telling me that, Fozzie, good thing those wild bees are inside of it." Fozzie exits, stage right and Kermit turns back to the audience. Kermit: "Anyway, here's Fozzie, Scooter, Walter, Gonzo, Skeeter and Beauregard to sing Don't Stop Believin'." Opening Musical Number: Don't Stop Believin' '' In Background Fozzie: 'Just a small town girl' 'livin' in a lonely world' 'she took the midnight train goin' anywhere' Scooter: 'just a city boy' 'born and raised in South Detroit' 'he took the midnight train goin' anywhere' Walter: 'a singer in a smoky room' 'a smell of love and cheap perfume' 'for a smile they can share the night' 'it goes on and on, and on, and on ''' Gonzo: strangers waitin' up and down the boulevard their shadows searchin' in the night streetlights, people livin' just to find emotion hidin' somewhere in the night Skeeter: workin' hard to get my fill everybody wants a thrill payin' anything to roll the dice just 1 more time some will win, some will lose some were born to sing the blues oh, the movie never ends it goes on and on, and on, and on Beauregard: strangers waitin' up and down the boulevard their shadows searching in the night streetlights, people livin' just to find emotion hidin' somewhere in the night '' Fozzie: ''don't stop believin' hold on to the feelin' streetlights, people Scooter: don't stop believin' hold on streetlights, people Walter: don't stop believin' hold on to the feelin' streetlights, people Ends Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony........ Waldorf: "You know, Statler, this kind of reminds me of that karaoke dance off party we've had with Ed Helms that 1 time." Statler: "Well, what's the answer to that?" Waldorf: "Don't give up or never stop believing!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Muppet Newsflash: Giant Chicken Rampage Newsman: (offscreen) "Here's a Muppet Newsflash." The Newsman goes right over to his desk. Newsman: "A giant chicken goes on a rampage in the big city town, which is causing lots of craziness." A giant Muppet chicken shows up and begins going extremely wild and crazy. Newsman: "I sure wish I didn't see that coming right towards me." Cut to Kermit in his office backstage....... Kermit: "Let's see what's next, (he looks right at the list) Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody." Muppet Labs sketch number: Dream Vision Screen Ticking [Muppet Labs Theme Music Theme In Background] Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today, (brief pause) that's exactly right, we're testing out our newest invention: the Dream Vision Screen, (another brief pause) have you ever wondered what the dream and vision inside your mind is like? well, the Dream Vision Screen is the solution, which of course my faithful assistant, Beaker here, will now demonstrate, (turns over to Beaker) come on over here, Beaker." Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee, mo, mee, mee." Bunsen: "Right this way, Beaker, here we go, perfect." Beaker is now over by the Dream Vision Screen. Bunsen: "Go ahead, Beaker, lie right down on this bed and I'll put this dream vision helmet right on your head." Beaker lies right down on the Muppet Lab''s bed and Bunsen puts the dream vision helmet right on Beaker's head. Beaker falls asleep and Bunsen pulls down the lever. Bunsen: "Watch'' and find out what happens in his dream and vision." Beaker's dream sequence: Banana cream pie chase Bunsen: "Oh my goodness, I don't believe this, I'd better turn this machine right off." Bunsen turns off the Dream Vision Screen. Beaker: And Shuddering In Alarm Bunsen: "Oh, Beaker, you look like you've had a crazy dream and vision there." Beaker: Meeping And Shuddering In Alarm Bunsen: "Well, that's all the time we have for tonight, so join us next time, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again......... Waldorf: "Well, Statler, something tells me that I dreamed about running a country club, what did you dream about?" Statler: "I dreamed about playing bingo at a firehouse dining house." Waldorf: "Dream catchers indeed!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Talk Spot: The Guest Star and the Muppet friends talk about what they like to do on weekends Guest Star: "So what do you guys like to do on weekends?" Kermit: "Well, (Guest Star's 1st name), I like to clean the Muppet Family Boarding House back home and water the back and front gardens outside." Guest Star: "That's good, well, I like doing crossword puzzle books on Saturday and Sunday mornings, what do you guys like to do?" Miss Piggy: "Well, I like going shopping and decorating the entire boarding house." Fozzie: "And I like watching Saturday evening comedy shows on television." Gonzo: "I prefer super thrilling action shows myself." Rowlf: "My hobbies include playin' the piano, playin' the harmonica durin' a campin' trip and other musical goods." Robin: "I really love participating with my Frog Scout friends." Rizzo: "On weekends like dese, I'm usually participatin' in a banana cream pie eatin' contest." Bean: "I like to take good care of my dear sweet vegetable garden in the backyard." Mildred Huxtetter: "I enjoy going for nice relaxing walks around the neighborhood streets." Walter: "I like participating in movie clubs." Scooter: "I enjoy participating in book clubs." Skeeter: "And I really enjoy playing bowling." Guest Star: "That's always good to know about." The Swedish Chef sketch number: Bacon and Spinach Quiche Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, orn desh, dee born desh, de umn '' ''bork, bork, bork Swedish Chef: "Tunight, ve-a're-a mekeeng becun und spinech quoiche-a, yuommy guod, yuou bet." Swedish Chef: Furst, ve-a preheet zee-a oufee-a tu three-a huondred und sefenty-feefe-a degrees fehrenheet." The Swedish Chef:preheats the oven to 375 degrees fahrenheit. Swedish Chef: "Next, ve-a get a three-a fuourt puound ouff tuorkey becun." The Swedish Chef gets a 3/4 pound of turkey bacon." Swedish Chef: "Next, ve-a get oune-a nine-a inch reffrigereted pie-a cruost." The Swedish Chef gets 1 9 inch refrigerated pie crust. Swedish Chef: "Next, ve-a get six lerge-a iggs frum zee-a reffrigeretur." The Swedish Chef gets 6 large eggs from the refrigerator. Swedish Chef: "Nuo ve-a puot zee-a ingredeents in seperete-a meexing buols." The Swedish Chef gets out a real big mixing bowl and a medium mixing bowl. Swedish Chef: "Furst, creck six lerge-a iggs in zee-a medeeuom meexing buol." The Swedish Chef cracks 6 large eggs in the medium mixing bowl. Swedish Chef: "Next, puot in oune-a und a helff cuops ouff heefy creem." The Swedish Chef puts in 1 1/2 cups of heavy cream in the medium mixing bowl. Swedish Chef: "Next, ve-a puot in tvu deshes ouff vurcestershure-a suoce-a." The Swedish Chef puts in 2 dashes of worcestershire sauce in the medium mixing bowl. Swedish Chef: "Next, puot in oune-a und a helff cuops ouff shredded chedder cheese-a." The Swedish Chef puts in 1 1/2 cups of shredded cheddar cheese in the medium mixing bowl. Swedish Chef: "Lest buot nut leest, puot in oune-a fuourt cuop ouff greted permesuon cheese-a." The Swedish Chef puts in 1/4 cup of grated parmesan cheese in the medium mixing bowl, and he mixes them up. Swedish Chef: "Okey, nuo ve-a puot zee-a tuorkey becun und chupped spinech in zee-a impty pie-a cruost." The Swedish Chef puts the turkey bacon and chopped spinach in the empty pie crust. Swedish Chef: "Und lest buot nut leest, ve-a puour zee-a quoiche-a better oufer zee-a tuorkey becun und chupped spinech, insert a seffety kniffe-a in zee-a center ouff zee-a quoiche-a und beke-a it in zee-a oufee-a fur thurty feefe-a meenuotes." The Swedish Chef pours the quiche batter over the turkey bacon and chopped spinach, inserts a safety knife in the center of the quiche, and bakes it in the oven for 35 minutes. Ticking Beeping Swedish Chef: Okey, nuo it's reedy tu cume-a ououtta zee-a oufee-a. The Swedish Chef puts on his oven mitts and takes out the bacon and spinach quiche, then sets it right on the kitchen counter with 2 oven mitts on top. Swedish Chef: "Und zeere-a yuou hefe-a it, becun spinech quoiche-a." The bacon spinach quiche comes to life. Bacon Spinach Quiche: "Hey you, get this knife outta me!" Swedish Chef: "Vhet zee hey?" Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again... Waldorf: "Boy, Statler, he sure is good with those pie ingredients." Statler: "I've never had a bacon spinach quiche for lunch or dinner in a very long time." Waldorf: "'Til he learns how to make a pizza pie out of it." Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again....... Kermit: "Mid-Day with Johnny Fiama is next, Mid-Day with Johnny Fiama is next onstage, everybody." Mid-Day with Johnny Fiama sketch number: Johnny interviews Clifford Johnny: "Good evening, everybody, I'm Johnny Fiama, and this is my good friend and monkey sidekick, Sal Minella." Sal: "Nice to meet you, everybody." Johnny: "Joining us tonight for this interview is our good friend, Clifford." Clifford: "Hey, good to see all of you out here in the audience." Johnny: "So, Clifford, tell me and everybody more about yourself." Clifford: "Well, I'm very laid back and relaxed, and I like hangin' around at karaoke dance off parties and church Halloween and holiday parties." Johnny: "That's good for everybody to know about, Clifford, but unfortunately, that's all the time we have for tonight, so join me next time on Mid-Day with Johnny Fiama, which is me." Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again....... Kermit: "Pigs in Space is next, Pigs in Space is next onstage, everybody." Pigs in Space sketch number: Real big fire flames Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy and the wise cracking scientific know it all Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes aboard the Swine Trek." Link Hogthrob: "Well, my crew mates, it looks like another day ahead of us." 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "And it's gonna be another day of Dr. Strangepork's wild inventions." Dr. Strangepork: "Hey, you guys, you're just in time to see my new invention: the Water Soaker 700, and if you see real big fire flames, push the green button and let the water shoot out of it." Link Hogthrob: "How fascinating, in fact, there are some real big fire flames right about now." 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "What the-" Dr. Strangepork: "Stand back, everybody, I've got it all under control." Dr. Strangepork pushes the green button and lets the water shoot out of it and it puts out the real big fire flames. Dr. Strangepork: "And that's the exact thing about the Water Soaker 700. 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "What a relief." Announcer: "Will 1st Mate Piggy still be 1st mate? will Captain Link Hogthrob keep control of the Swine Trek? will Dr. Strangepork ever settle for some safety inventions? find out on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaaace." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again........... Statler: "You know, Waldorf, I once prevented a fire safety back home at my house." Waldorf: "What were you doing to prevent it?" Statler: "I was turning off my kitchen oven in my kitchen." Waldorf: "Stop, drop and roll!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again....... Kermit: "Veterinarian's Hospital is next, Veterinarian's Hospital is next onstage, everybody." Veterinarian's Hospital sketch number: Scooter as the patient Announcer: And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "And so when I went down town to the joke shop, I saw this can that said trail mix, but instead of trail mix when I opened the can, this blue snake popped right out of it." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you and your snake jokes." Janice/Nurse Janice: "So who's our patient this time, Dr. Bob?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Behold, Nurse Janice, observe and watch." Rowlf/Dr. Bob pulls back the corner of the green quilt to reveal Scooter as the patient. Scooter: In Pain "My shoulders look like they're in terrible conditions." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Oh, Scooter, what happened to you here?" Scooter: "I got these aches and pains in my shoulders, I don't know what to do to help get rid of them." Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh what a bummer." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Here's my advice to you, Scooter, try using 2 ice packs on those shoulders." Scooter: "That's easy for you to say." Announcer: "Does Nurse Piggy know what she's doing? will Nurse Janice ever keep her nursing career? does Dr. Bob ever know how to perform a very simple surgery? tune in next week when you hear Nurse Piggy say-" Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "So, Dr. Bob, any comments about this patient?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, Nurse Piggy, I say he's probably worn out from doing all of those exercise work-out video clips." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again........ Statler: "I used to be a patient for my check-ups." Waldorf: "Which dr.'s office did you visit?" Statler: "The 1 in downtown Chicago." Waldorf: "You must enjoy the entire Chicago life." Statler; "As if!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit onstage....... Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, here's the Electric Mayhem Band performing our closing musical number, Revolution." Closing Musical number: Revolution Mayhem Band Members Tuning Up Music Dr. Teeth: You say you want a revolution well you know we all want to change the world Janice: you tell me that it's evolution well you know we all want to change the world Floyd: but when you talk about destruction don't you know that you can count me out? you know it's gonna be alright Animal: alright Zoot: alright Dr. Teeth: you say you got a real solution well you know we'd all love to see the plan you ask me for a contribution well you know we're all doing what we can Janice: but if you want money '' ''for people with minds that hate all I can tell you is brother '' you have to wait'' you know it's gonna be alright Zoot: alright Animal: alright, aaaaah Floyd: you say you'll change the constitution well you know we all want to change your head Dr. Teeth: you tell me it's the institution well, you know you'd better free your mind instead Zoot: but if you go carryin' pictures of Chairman Mao you ain't gonna make it with anyone anyhow you know it's gonna be alright '' Dr. Teeth: ''alright Floyd: alright Animal: alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright Scene 2: Back onstage/welcoming the guest star Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, it's been such a wonderful show tonight, but right before we go, let's give a nice warm round of applause for Miss (Guest Star's name), yaaaaaaaaaaay!" The Guest Star arrives out onstage.......... Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, Kermit and good friends, I really appreciate you guys having me on the show with all of you here." Kermit: "You're welcome, (Guest Star's 1st name), we appreciate everything you do around here." Fozzie: "Hey, you guys might wanna watch out, 'cause there's a swarm of wild bees buzzing around the entire Muppet Theater." Gonzo: "Run away for your entire lives, everybody!" Buzzing Kermit: "I don't believe this is happening, but we'll see you next time on The All-New Muppet Show." Category:The All-New Muppet Show season 1 transcripts Category:Transcripts